Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
