I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
