we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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