apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
