i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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