I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
