I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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