i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Found the puke drawer
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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