If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
