2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
