I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
