I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
