i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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