I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
