Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
