I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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