Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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