sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
