hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
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I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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