M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
