somebody snuck up and got me drunk
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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