Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
