I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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