Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
