Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
