I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
