I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
