i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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