so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Randomize