You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
