Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
