So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
