I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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