Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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