what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
