I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
