Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just found a bag of teeth...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
