My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
