Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
