he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
