I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
