I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
