In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
