i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
