....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
