So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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