so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
vagina is talking i cant
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
