So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
