my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
