Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
