a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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