so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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