Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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