I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
