Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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