why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
