did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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