Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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