Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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