Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
