Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
